I’m not fit enough. There’s no other way of putting it, no gentle way to break it to myself. Out here in Queenstown I started off well, riding everyday and eating like a monk, but it didn’t last. Between the good food, beer and laidback lifestyle I haven’t done enough exercise recently. On an idle afternoon it’s too easy to stick on some good music, brew a mug of tea and just watch the clouds form and break over The Remarkables.

So I need something that’s both savage and enjoyable – I found it with Skyline. Skyline is the hill that stands over Queenstown, it’s criss-crossed with some amazing trails that go from big, fast motorways, to northshore nonsense and beautiful, loamy singletrack. The only catch is that there is no uplift or gondola. To ride the trails you need to get to them first. In all, the hill has about 450m vertical. Fit guys can crank up there in about half an hour. I’m doubly hampered, not only am I out of shape, but I only have a 38lb downhill bike with a 36t ring here with me...

My plan is simple: I want to be able to ride to the top of the hill. The other rule, which won’t matter when (never if) I can get to the top, is that I can only ride down what I can climb to. So the further I can go, the better the run down is going to be. Simple. It ticks all the boxes – a savage climb and an amazing descent back down. Perfect.

Today I got about halfway up before I pretty much keeled over. But I did get to run back down the beautiful, loamy, natural (and horrifically named) Turd Sandwich. Next time I reckon I can reach Pink Bits...